3 Simple Steps to a Smooth College Move-In Day

We've all had to move before. It's a tedious and often nerve-wracking experience, I know I've done more than my share of carting entire houses of consumer goods around. Moving from the comfortable spaciousness of a parent's home to a dorm or apartment can be an especially daunting task. Now, I'm writing this article for the 99% of students and apartment dwellers everywhere that can't afford the luxury of hiring two beefy guys to come out and unload their belongings. To start, there are two things to remember when you're moving...

1. You have wayyyyyyy more shit than you think. Seriously, if you're like most Americans your bedroom will most likely fill half of a 20-foot U-haul with clothes and assorted sundries before the boxes from the living room have even made it to the driveway.
2. The location you're moving into will not easily accommodate those long, awkward boxes, sofas and futons that seemed like such a great idea for packing and cheap/easy furniture... college dorm hallways have been specially designed to prohibit the movement of cheap futons and lofted beds... beware.

STEP ONE: Assemble a Crack Team of Movers and Shakers

Assembly complete, here's our team... ready to do some heavy lifting. Things to remember for your own team:

• Keep beer handy, large amounts, cold, readily available... it really smooths out any conflicts that may be stoked by tired muscles and short tempers.
• Have a tasty treat for the movers, any dessert will usually do - but the energy everyone puts into moving your shit has to be replaced by something... why not sugar?!
• Know their limits!!! Don't tell your skinny, gay, vegetarian friend to go lift the 250 lb chaise lounge.

STEP TWO: Have All The Tools You Need

Here's a couple tools, happily assembling an air conditioner. If you're going to be requiring assembly, make sure the people you bring along aren't complete dumb-asses... or your shit is going to be ghetto-rigged.

You should plan on assembling anything more complicated than a few screws or an Ikea snap-together by yourself... unless further compensation (or guilt trips) can be applied to your friends and fellow mover-inners.

Remember, nothing needs to be put together so badly that it gets broken. The fastest way to screw up expensive consumer goods is to FREAK OUT when you're assembling them (directions are also important to read thoroughly before beginning any major assembly).

STEP THREE: Compensate, Compensate, Compensate...

Completion of your move is just the beginning of another long journey for everyone who helped you. You'd do best to remember this and graciously compensate with liquor, beer, weed, whatever...

Granted, if your father and his clergy buddies helped you move in don't offer to get them completely wasted - unless you know that's the kind of party they want to get down with. Why is it best to ply individuals with alcohol and drugs? Just ask Jesus, he didn't pull wine out of his ass for nothing. People forget what a shitty time they've had when their mind is spun on the hooch.


Keep these suggestions in mind for your next big college move, and maybe that dorm won't be such a nightmare to get into (or out of).

The Perfectly Gourmet (No-Sweat, From-Scratch) Pizza

Everyone deserves a touch of gourmet everyday. As a lazy houseboy, I've had to find simple ways to amaze my patrons without much sweat off my back. There will always be those times when I'm short on ingredients (because I forgot to do the grocery shopping) or when I'm tired of lounging but can't find the time to create a four-course meal... this recipe is the solution. I've brought it to the table with "oohs" and "ahhhs" because it looks so delicious, and while it's genuinely easy - it tastes like a gourmet creation.

So first things first, your ingredients:

• 2 Cups (Warm) Water
• 2 tsp. Salt
• 2 1/2 tsp. Rapid Rise Yeast
• 3 1/2 Cups Flour (I like King Arthur Bread Flour)
  
• 2 tsp. Olive Oil
• about 10 Shrimp, tails-off
• 1-2 Cups Shredded Mozzarella (to taste)
• A Scattering of Grated Parmesan
  
• 1/2 Cup Alfredo Sauce
• 1 Cup Assorted Crisp, Chopped Veggies (Broccoli and Zucchini are best)
  
• Oregano, Basil & Garlic to taste

The Perfect Foundation: Delicious Dough

• In a large bowl, add your warm water (should be the temperature of a bath after you've soaked your tired body for about 40 minutes, just 10 or 15 degrees above room temp.), stir in your yeast (Occasionally I add sugar, corn syrup or other fuel for the yeast guys) and allow to dissolve and activate for a couple minutes.
  
• Begin to add your flour one cup at a time, stirring each cup in fully before adding more flour (you should have a soupy mixture until the third cup- Add any garlic, herbs, cheese, etc. to your dough during the first two cups of flour to ensure even flavor). Add the Olive Oil and Salt to your bowl during the first or second cup of flour.
• Turn your gooey dough ball into an oiled bowl, cover with a towel or a wet paper-towel and allow to raise for about 45 minutes. The dough ball should nearly double in size. If you're cooking this in a cold environment (Like a Cleveland Winter) you may need to raise the dough in a 100 degree oven or proofer.

The Perfect Execution: Building Your Gourmet Creation

• Pre-Heat your oven to 500 degrees (Just max it out).
  
• After raising cut the dough ball roughly in half and place each in a 9-inch round cake pan that's been greased heavily with olive oil, cooking spray or whatever lubrication you prefer. Spread the dough to the edge of each pan with floured fingertips.
• Spread your Alfredo Sauce in a thin layer on each pizza using the backside of a large spoon. Then scatter your Assorted Veg. around in an even layer.
• Sprinkle the Mozzarella over the top of the sauce and veg in an even distribution, leaving about a quarter-inch around the edge of the pan. Add your Shrimp in circular patterns, so each slice will have a shrimp at it's center.
• Bake your pizza pair for 10-14 minutes, removing from the oven when the cheese is crisp and bubbling, and the crust has browned around the edge.

The Perfect Presentation: Plating Your Creation

Presentation is key to appearing gourmet. Slice each pizza so the shrimp are in the middle of the pieces. I like to arrange plates like geometric art pieces, try making shapes from your rounded triangles of delicious pizza, toss a little spinach salad and you're ready to eat!