RECIPE: Turmeric Tempura Tofu with Wasabi Citrus dipping sauce

I made this last night for dinner and it was ridiculously good... I'm talking amazingly, richly, deeply flavored and more filling than a steak I'm sure. This is no kind of diet food, and is best savored on special occasions (like Tuesday nights!)... the whole dish should fill you up for hours though.

Ingredients:
Breading
2/3 c. Flour
1 tsp. Salt
1 T Turmeric
1 Large Egg
1/2 c. Milk
Pepper to taste

1 14oz. Package Extra Firm Tofu (Cut into 1 1/2in. cubes)

Olive Oil for frying and dipping sauce

Dipping Sauce

3 T Worcester Sauce
1 T Minced Garlic
1 T Wasabi Paste
1 T Sugar
1 T Corn Syrup
1 T Lemon Juice
1/2 T Lime Juice

Makes about Three 6-piece servings.

1. In a large non-stick pan pour Olive Oil to cover and place over Medium Heat.

2. Divide the ingriedients for the dipping sauce between three small bowls or ramekins. Mix to dissolve all ingredients (adding a dash of Olive Oil to thin if necessary) and allow to rest until serving.

3. Mix the dry breading ingredients together in a shallow bowl. Add the egg and milk and stir until thoroughly mixed. You should have an airy, adobe-colored mixture.

4. Press the tofu to drain, cut into one-and-a-half inch cubes, drop the cubes into the breading mixture and turn with a fork to cover. Immediately drop into hot olive oil and fry. Repeat until all the cubes are frying. Allow to cook on one-side for 3-4 minutes. Batter will run - so remove the cubes with a slotted spoon and drain on a paper towel. Repeat the breading steps on the sides of the tofu that didn't form a tempura crust when the breading runs. Fry the opposite side of the tofu cubes. Remove when golden brown crust has formed on tofu cubes.

5. Serve tofu cubes immediately with dipping sauce, goes great with my Amazing Asian Pasta Salad (pictured)... which I'll have to give you the recipe for sometime.

BOOK REVIEW: Sharing the Value of Sexual Purity

I've decided to include another passion of mine is this blog... reading. I would hope that all my visitors, when they aren't cooking, helping their friends or generally making the world a better place (the lazy way) would have their noses in a book. Reading is alot like wine - when you tell someone you like it they think you're more intelligent/wealthy/interesting/etc...

I thought I'd bring you up to date on a local author (Ohio born and bred), and educator, who has been entrusted to develop sexual health education curriculum for Ohio and several states (and Puerto Rico). I'd seen her name before, interviewed in the paper and such.

Anyhow, I found her book in a trash heap and since I don't like to waste, thought I would pick it up and give it a read. I've been wondering myself what the value of sexual purity was, ever since reading that there's no evidence whatsoever that teaching children christian morality effects the rates of STDs and pregnancy, or sexual activity among youths being taught abstinence. So, without further ado... the book review.

Sharing the Value of Sexual Purity
A Guide for Parents, Concerned Adults and Young People
by Catherine E. Wood

With a title like that you know this book will be full of enlightening information from a dedicated professional - well-versed in the facts and grounded in the reality of sex education.

Unfortunately it's written by a woman whose only credentials are 'Assistant Director of the Pregnancy Distress Center' billed as a Columbus, Ohio non-profit, it's actually a fly-by-night anti-abortion group based in Zanesville with an atrocious website. Mrs. Wood's other accomplishments include developing brochures and seminars for RSVP (Responsible Sexual Values Program - renamed since this book's publication as the Responsible Social Values Program) a similarly fly-by-night operation with absolutely no documentation, save for their creation of this 'educational program' generally disseminated by catholic charities and now distributed across the country with funds provided by President Bush. Interestingly Wood's only other accomplishment listed on the book jacket is "Founder and President of Treasured Values, Joy Inc." a questionable corporation that's most likely a beneficiary of Bush's largess, and a marriage that's produced children. With such a worldly and experienced writer I'm sure you're just as excited to dig into the contents of this book as I am.

Page no. 1 - Introduction (technically there's a page of acknowledgments first, but it really isn't necessary)

In the intro we really get a feel for Catherine Wood and her philosophy on sex, which is also god's philosophy apparently. It seems that as her son approached his 12th birthday Catherine was searching for a tangible symbol of marriage and sexual purity (might I suggest a ball and chain?) but lacking one, did some wishing praying and was granted the following:

"Sweetheart Treasures... three pendants which provide a visual representation of God's plan for marriage. A heart, a cross... and a heart" (Made in China)

The intro also stresses that the information contained in the various chapters (12 of 'em, crammed into 86 pages or less!) should only be shared with it's intended audience (remember the subtitle? children shan't have access to the 'concerned adults' section). It's funny, but the religious seem to be obsessed with control of information.

Chapter 1 - A Special Gift to Encourage Sexual Purity

First our esteemed author introduces us to her ingenious plan to dampen young people's sex drives... 14k gold-plated pendants! Then she shares her brilliant delivery methods (take them to a nice restaurant), who gets what (stressing the cross is for the man to bear) and how to end abstinence once married (have a jeweler join the heart and cross) ...

Chapter 2 - Who is Responsible?

I often ask myself this question... Who is responsible? According to Catherine Woods it was the 1960's! More specifically, it was the churches that used to control America, who then created flower children, who hid their pot-smoking and sex behind the abhorrent desire for "peace and contentment" HA! Catherine Woods laughs in the face of peace, frowns on contentment, and reminds us to fear hippies with this earth-shattering quote:

When a god-fearing nation becomes lax, even though it professes belief in god, satan steps in with ease to deceive.

Catherine Woods then proceeds to prepare her christian soldiers for war, for which "we must strategically train our children and prepare them to win." Kinda' gives you chills doesn't it?

After mis-quoting HIV infection rates (pg. 9 states 1,000,000 new HIV infections reported in 1990... actual data - estimated 1,000,000 HIV infected total in US in 1990) she then proceeds to MISQUOTE THE BIBLE! It isn't truly a misquote, merely a reinterpretation that's been worded to uphold Mrs. Woods specific views.... here's the quote from her book:

Acts 15:20 says: ...abstain from sexual immorality...

And here's the quote from the real Bible... well... as real as one can get with such things...

Acts 15:20 says: But that we write unto them, that they abstain from pollutions of idols, and from fornication, and from things strangled, and from blood.

Hmm... things are starting to get interesting. Not because Mrs. Woods thinks she can rewrite the Bible (anyone is entitled to rewrite the damn thing)... but because she's attempting to deceive both her readers and herself. God specifically says no idols, no sex, and no blood. Since Catherine Wood has blood, 3 children (more details from the book jacket) and a television, she's already failed. But she has one more important lesson for us before this chapter's through!

What Parents Should Teach Their Children Concerning Sexuality... a checklist! Be sure to pay close attention to the "problems in our culture" listed as bullet points under no. 9... they are - sex outside marriage, sex and the media, date rape, pornography, abortion, contraception, homosexuality and masturbation....

Catherine Woods has, in one simple list, simplified life for all Americans. Now we can solve all the problems in our country... just get rid of things like the media and porno, date rape and those pesky homosexuals... Hmm, Catherine Woods is starting to sounds less like a 'concerned adult' and more like a certain historical leader with similar "problems".

Chapters 3 - 7 are written by pastors, saving Catherine Woods quite a large amount of time or fact-checking (which is easy when you're only relying on one book for the answers)...

These chapters all deal with a bunch of nonsense - except for the short section under the heading "For Fathers" which specifically addresses single moms. Pastor Forsythe is kind enough to remind us that god is "the father of the fatherless" and with a few simple prayers any single mother can succeed!


Tune in tomorrow, when I post the rest of the review!

The Crappy Vegetarian Sandwich

Crappy Vegetarian Sandwich
- a -
Recipe/Lifestyle
by: The Lazy Houseboy

I literally just ate the food on the plate in this picture. You could call it food, I guess, in some sense it was. I'd call it more of a "condiment sandwich". The recipe is quite simple and delicious, especially if you're a hard workin' man like myself.

• Take 2 pieces of bread,
• and 2 microwaved vegetarian hotdogs
• 2 tablespoons of ketchup, wasabi mustard & BBQ sauce

Slather the cooked veggie hotdogs with the condiments, fold into your bread and bask in the fact you're less hungry for awhile.

Oi. Sometimes, it's just quantity... quality is out the window.

Mover, Inc.

Do you have what it takes to survive moving two suburban females from high-rise apartments?

I know I do, now that I've lived through this past weekend, here's a few snapshots of my work.

Broccolli-Cheddar (and More!) Soup

Sometimes you live through a day like I had yesterday. Imagine driving home through rush-hour traffic and gray, rainy weather after a long day in the office and you just need some comfort food. This soup - paired with a simple focaccia bread (which I have a lovely recipe for, watch for that in another post) is all it takes to unwind. It's classic, but not over-powering, and takes under 30-minutes to prepare.

The Ingredients

2 Cans Cheddar Cheese Soup
4 Cups Water
2 Vegetable Bullion Cubes
1 T. Olive Oil

1 Cup Frozen Broccoli
1/2 Cup julienned Carrots
1/2 Cup chopped Onions
1/2 Cup frozen Corn

1/2 Cup Corn Starch
1 Cup Milk

1 t. Salt
1 t. Paprika
1 t. Oregano
1 t. Soy Sauce

First...

Place a large pot on the stove over Med-High heat, allow to warm. Add the Olive Oil and allow to warm.

Add the chopped carrots, onions and frozen broccoli and saute for about 4 minutes.

Add the 4 Cups of Water to the pot and bring to a slow boil. Add the Vegetable Bullion and turn the heat down on your stove.

Pour your 1/2 Cup Corn Starch into a separate bowl, add 1 Cup of the hot soup and stir until smooth and creamy. Stir into large pot of soup.

Add your 2 Cans Cheddar Cheese Soup and stir until combined. Add your 1 Cup Milk and remaining spices and corn, allow to heat on Low - stirring continuously.


Ladle this out, and enjoy!

Currency Cookies (better than cash baby!)

There are a few things in this world that can sway people's opinions like chocolate mixed with sugar and some delicious trifles. I call this recipe "Currency Cookies" because they really are the best cookies ever made. My older sister made them a few years back and I think I may have eaten about 60 of them. I don't recommend that kind of wild consumption (these aren't exactly diet-food) but a bit of moderation and plenty of sharing should make you the most popular cat on the block. This recipe makes about 100 cookies if you play your cards right... which should make you about 50 new friends who can't stop raving about the cookies you brought to share with them.

Firstly - The Ingredients

• 2 Sticks of Butter (I said these weren't diet right?)
• 3/4 C Vegetable Shortening (let me stress, these really aren't diet food)
• 1 1/2 C Sugar
• 1 1/2 C Brown Sugar
• 2 T Vanilla (That is alot, but anything up to that amount will taste fine)
• 2 t Salt
• 1 Egg + 1 Egg White
• 2 T Cold Water
• 2 1/2 C Flour
• 2 1/2 C Oats
• 1 t Baking Soda
• 2 C Chopped Walnuts
• 12 oz. Chocolate Chunks
• 12 oz. Toffee Crumbles
• 1 1/2 Dried Cranberries

Secondly - The Preparation

• Cream together the butter, shortening and sugars. You can soften the butter in the microwave by cooking for about 45 seconds. The consistency of a finished cream should be like a sandy pudding - a bit fluffy but gritty as hell.
• Add the salt, vanilla and eggs - beat until smooth (about 2 minutes). Add the water to combine everything nicely.
• In a separate bowl mix your dry flour, baking soda and oat ingredients until combined. Add the wet ingredients and mix until your drys are consistently moist and your moist is consistently dry.
• Finally, add your nuts, chocolate, cranberries and toffee crumbles. Mix until everything is evenly combined and delicious looking.
• Cover the bowl and chill in the fridge for 30 minutes.

Finally - The Baking

• Preheat your oven to about 350 degrees.
• Flatten small balls of the refrigerated dough onto cookie sheets (preferably lined with wax paper or Silpat) spaced evenly enough to allow a good amount of spreading. Because of the constitution of these puppies they'll spread pretty far when baking, so keep the pans a bit under-loaded.
• Bake from 10-15 minutes - checking often to prevent scorching as cookies will be quite thin, crunchy and delicious.

And there you have it. Share these puppies carefully, I've had people threaten to break-in and steal them from my kitchen!

3 Simple Steps to a Smooth College Move-In Day

We've all had to move before. It's a tedious and often nerve-wracking experience, I know I've done more than my share of carting entire houses of consumer goods around. Moving from the comfortable spaciousness of a parent's home to a dorm or apartment can be an especially daunting task. Now, I'm writing this article for the 99% of students and apartment dwellers everywhere that can't afford the luxury of hiring two beefy guys to come out and unload their belongings. To start, there are two things to remember when you're moving...

1. You have wayyyyyyy more shit than you think. Seriously, if you're like most Americans your bedroom will most likely fill half of a 20-foot U-haul with clothes and assorted sundries before the boxes from the living room have even made it to the driveway.
2. The location you're moving into will not easily accommodate those long, awkward boxes, sofas and futons that seemed like such a great idea for packing and cheap/easy furniture... college dorm hallways have been specially designed to prohibit the movement of cheap futons and lofted beds... beware.

STEP ONE: Assemble a Crack Team of Movers and Shakers

Assembly complete, here's our team... ready to do some heavy lifting. Things to remember for your own team:

• Keep beer handy, large amounts, cold, readily available... it really smooths out any conflicts that may be stoked by tired muscles and short tempers.
• Have a tasty treat for the movers, any dessert will usually do - but the energy everyone puts into moving your shit has to be replaced by something... why not sugar?!
• Know their limits!!! Don't tell your skinny, gay, vegetarian friend to go lift the 250 lb chaise lounge.

STEP TWO: Have All The Tools You Need

Here's a couple tools, happily assembling an air conditioner. If you're going to be requiring assembly, make sure the people you bring along aren't complete dumb-asses... or your shit is going to be ghetto-rigged.

You should plan on assembling anything more complicated than a few screws or an Ikea snap-together by yourself... unless further compensation (or guilt trips) can be applied to your friends and fellow mover-inners.

Remember, nothing needs to be put together so badly that it gets broken. The fastest way to screw up expensive consumer goods is to FREAK OUT when you're assembling them (directions are also important to read thoroughly before beginning any major assembly).

STEP THREE: Compensate, Compensate, Compensate...

Completion of your move is just the beginning of another long journey for everyone who helped you. You'd do best to remember this and graciously compensate with liquor, beer, weed, whatever...

Granted, if your father and his clergy buddies helped you move in don't offer to get them completely wasted - unless you know that's the kind of party they want to get down with. Why is it best to ply individuals with alcohol and drugs? Just ask Jesus, he didn't pull wine out of his ass for nothing. People forget what a shitty time they've had when their mind is spun on the hooch.


Keep these suggestions in mind for your next big college move, and maybe that dorm won't be such a nightmare to get into (or out of).

The Perfectly Gourmet (No-Sweat, From-Scratch) Pizza

Everyone deserves a touch of gourmet everyday. As a lazy houseboy, I've had to find simple ways to amaze my patrons without much sweat off my back. There will always be those times when I'm short on ingredients (because I forgot to do the grocery shopping) or when I'm tired of lounging but can't find the time to create a four-course meal... this recipe is the solution. I've brought it to the table with "oohs" and "ahhhs" because it looks so delicious, and while it's genuinely easy - it tastes like a gourmet creation.

So first things first, your ingredients:

• 2 Cups (Warm) Water
• 2 tsp. Salt
• 2 1/2 tsp. Rapid Rise Yeast
• 3 1/2 Cups Flour (I like King Arthur Bread Flour)
  
• 2 tsp. Olive Oil
• about 10 Shrimp, tails-off
• 1-2 Cups Shredded Mozzarella (to taste)
• A Scattering of Grated Parmesan
  
• 1/2 Cup Alfredo Sauce
• 1 Cup Assorted Crisp, Chopped Veggies (Broccoli and Zucchini are best)
  
• Oregano, Basil & Garlic to taste

The Perfect Foundation: Delicious Dough

• In a large bowl, add your warm water (should be the temperature of a bath after you've soaked your tired body for about 40 minutes, just 10 or 15 degrees above room temp.), stir in your yeast (Occasionally I add sugar, corn syrup or other fuel for the yeast guys) and allow to dissolve and activate for a couple minutes.
  
• Begin to add your flour one cup at a time, stirring each cup in fully before adding more flour (you should have a soupy mixture until the third cup- Add any garlic, herbs, cheese, etc. to your dough during the first two cups of flour to ensure even flavor). Add the Olive Oil and Salt to your bowl during the first or second cup of flour.
• Turn your gooey dough ball into an oiled bowl, cover with a towel or a wet paper-towel and allow to raise for about 45 minutes. The dough ball should nearly double in size. If you're cooking this in a cold environment (Like a Cleveland Winter) you may need to raise the dough in a 100 degree oven or proofer.

The Perfect Execution: Building Your Gourmet Creation

• Pre-Heat your oven to 500 degrees (Just max it out).
  
• After raising cut the dough ball roughly in half and place each in a 9-inch round cake pan that's been greased heavily with olive oil, cooking spray or whatever lubrication you prefer. Spread the dough to the edge of each pan with floured fingertips.
• Spread your Alfredo Sauce in a thin layer on each pizza using the backside of a large spoon. Then scatter your Assorted Veg. around in an even layer.
• Sprinkle the Mozzarella over the top of the sauce and veg in an even distribution, leaving about a quarter-inch around the edge of the pan. Add your Shrimp in circular patterns, so each slice will have a shrimp at it's center.
• Bake your pizza pair for 10-14 minutes, removing from the oven when the cheese is crisp and bubbling, and the crust has browned around the edge.

The Perfect Presentation: Plating Your Creation

Presentation is key to appearing gourmet. Slice each pizza so the shrimp are in the middle of the pieces. I like to arrange plates like geometric art pieces, try making shapes from your rounded triangles of delicious pizza, toss a little spinach salad and you're ready to eat!