3 Simple Steps to a Smooth College Move-In Day

We've all had to move before. It's a tedious and often nerve-wracking experience, I know I've done more than my share of carting entire houses of consumer goods around. Moving from the comfortable spaciousness of a parent's home to a dorm or apartment can be an especially daunting task. Now, I'm writing this article for the 99% of students and apartment dwellers everywhere that can't afford the luxury of hiring two beefy guys to come out and unload their belongings. To start, there are two things to remember when you're moving...

1. You have wayyyyyyy more shit than you think. Seriously, if you're like most Americans your bedroom will most likely fill half of a 20-foot U-haul with clothes and assorted sundries before the boxes from the living room have even made it to the driveway.
2. The location you're moving into will not easily accommodate those long, awkward boxes, sofas and futons that seemed like such a great idea for packing and cheap/easy furniture... college dorm hallways have been specially designed to prohibit the movement of cheap futons and lofted beds... beware.

STEP ONE: Assemble a Crack Team of Movers and Shakers

Assembly complete, here's our team... ready to do some heavy lifting. Things to remember for your own team:

• Keep beer handy, large amounts, cold, readily available... it really smooths out any conflicts that may be stoked by tired muscles and short tempers.
• Have a tasty treat for the movers, any dessert will usually do - but the energy everyone puts into moving your shit has to be replaced by something... why not sugar?!
• Know their limits!!! Don't tell your skinny, gay, vegetarian friend to go lift the 250 lb chaise lounge.

STEP TWO: Have All The Tools You Need

Here's a couple tools, happily assembling an air conditioner. If you're going to be requiring assembly, make sure the people you bring along aren't complete dumb-asses... or your shit is going to be ghetto-rigged.

You should plan on assembling anything more complicated than a few screws or an Ikea snap-together by yourself... unless further compensation (or guilt trips) can be applied to your friends and fellow mover-inners.

Remember, nothing needs to be put together so badly that it gets broken. The fastest way to screw up expensive consumer goods is to FREAK OUT when you're assembling them (directions are also important to read thoroughly before beginning any major assembly).

STEP THREE: Compensate, Compensate, Compensate...

Completion of your move is just the beginning of another long journey for everyone who helped you. You'd do best to remember this and graciously compensate with liquor, beer, weed, whatever...

Granted, if your father and his clergy buddies helped you move in don't offer to get them completely wasted - unless you know that's the kind of party they want to get down with. Why is it best to ply individuals with alcohol and drugs? Just ask Jesus, he didn't pull wine out of his ass for nothing. People forget what a shitty time they've had when their mind is spun on the hooch.


Keep these suggestions in mind for your next big college move, and maybe that dorm won't be such a nightmare to get into (or out of).